


the spaces between us (hold all our secrets)

by sakabelle



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, More Niall Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 09:38:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3170117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakabelle/pseuds/sakabelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The whole world is on the brink of finding out about his relationship with Harry, and Niall doesn't care. He really doesn't.</p><p>Except that he does. And this would be a whole lot easier if Harry would just stop being so obvious all the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the spaces between us (hold all our secrets)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [writelikethissss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writelikethissss/gifts).



> Written for Sabrina, who is absolutely wonderful. We traded prompts a little while ago and I chose this one, "A band fic where Narry are together and have been for a while, but people are close to finding out so they have to make a decision whether to go public or get sneakier." I hope you enjoy it! x
> 
> Read over by Jess as always, who is also absolutely wonderful. Any mistakes are my own - and I took some creative liberties with the FOUR promo timeline.

“What was that?” Liam asks as soon as the camera light flicks off and the crew starts to clean up the equipment from the livestream.

Niall doesn't even hear him. He's too busy giggling with Harry about one of their many inside jokes.

“Hello?” Louis leans over, his arms in his lap and his mouth pressed in a thin line.

Niall and Harry are still giggling but they stop for a moment. Niall's arm is still draped around Harry while they finally look over at the others. 

“What was that?” Liam repeats, glancing over at Louis for support. He doesn't bother looking at Zayn – he's already back in his own little world texting Perrie.

“A livestream,” Niall says, and he and Harry bust out into giggles again.

“Yes, thank you,” Louis rolls his eyes. “Can you two literally keep your hands off each other for five minutes? This isn't a break anymore you know, this is work and the whole world literally saw all of that.”

Harry squints his eyes and shakes his head. “It's fine, Lou.”

“For me, yes. For you, no.”

Niall rolls his eyes and finally moves his arm off of Harry's shoulders. “We literally do this all the time. The fans will think what they want.”

Louis and Liam exchange a glance. Then Niall and Harry exchange a glance of their own.

“What?” all four of them say at the same time.

“Just thought you wanted to keep it a secret,” Liam says. “That's what you told us when you started this, that you didn't want it to get out.”

“It's not out.” Harry shakes his head and looks over at Niall. He shrugs his shoulders.

“It will be,” Louis says, nodding his head like he's the expert in this situation when he's really not. “If you guys keep going on like this. Especially with how it's been for the last couple of days.”

Niall and Harry exchange another look. They don't say anything so Liam takes over from Louis, speaking in a much calmer tone than their friend is capable of.

“Yesterday's interview in Austria where you asked Niall who he last had sex with.” He raises his eyebrows before he continues onto his next point. “And don't forget about Harry's comment during _our_ interview has everyone speculating about his sexuality.”

“It was a joke,” Harry laughs, keeping his arm around Niall.

“Well Niall's certainly not female is he?” Louis cuts in.

Niall glances down at his crotch and smirks.

“Look,” Liam says, glaring at Louis and his snarky attitude. “All we're saying is that people are starting to catch on, and if you don't care about that that's fine and we'll support you but you did say that you wanted to keep it quiet from the fans when all of this started.”

Niall and Harry look at each other and shrug. 

“I suppose so, yeah,” Niall finally says, puckering his lips in frustration. Harry doesn't miss this opportunity to lean over and kiss him.

“See, this is what we're talking about,” Louis says, but he can't help cracking a little bit of a smile. It's hard not to in Niall and Harry's presence.

Niall and Harry just look at each other and grin.

* * *

Niall wakes up around 3:00 in the morning. He blinks his eyes open, the soft glow of Harry's mobile illuminating the dark bedsheets. Harry's laying on his stomach beside him, head propped up on his hand as he looks down at it.

“Mmph,” he shuffles over, leaning his head against the warm skin of Harry's shoulder. “What're you doing?”

“They know,” Harry says, which doesn't explain what he's doing.

“Huh?” Niall peers over Harry's shoulder. Tumblr. Gifs and stupid images and text posts and sound bytes are in abundance. “Harry. Why?” Niall yawns.

“Look,” Harry says, sliding his phone so Niall can see it more easily. 

Niall raises his eyebrow. It's a picture of him and Harry hugging at the livestream with animated hearts around it. “They don't know, Harry.”

Harry just shrugs and goes back to looking at the phone.

“You're usually the rational one about this,” Niall chuckles before yawning again. “They think they know. They don't know.”

Harry sighs, finally giving in and switching his phone off. He lays back down and Niall takes this opportunity to cuddle up to him. 

“You're right,” Harry yawns, closing his eyes. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Right,” Niall replies, even though now his mind is stuck on the gifs and pictures. “Night, Harry.”

* * *

It's 3:22am and Harry's sleeping soundly. Images of animated hearts dance around in Niall's mind. He rolls over and tries to get comfortable.

3:46am and Harry's snoring quietly. Niall sighs in frustration and gets up to get a glass of water. While he's sipping on it, he thinks about the interview he did with Harry two days before. Probably shouldn't have wrapped his legs around his head. 

4:18am and Harry rolls over but doesn't wake up. Niall's staring at the ceiling. Everything's going really well with Harry. Why can't they just be regular people who don't get everything they do scrutinized?

4:57am. “Harry,” Niall whispers, leaning over to him. “Harry.”

“Mmmm,” Harry mutters, rolling over so he's facing Niall. “What?”

Niall takes a deep breath. He hates this. He hates everything about this. Well, except for the sleeping with Harry part. That part's good.

But everything else? He hates it.

“I think we need to be more... discreet,” he chooses his words carefully.

“You're the one who's not discreet,” Harry mutters, closing his eyes again.

Niall scoffs. “Really? This coming from Mr. 'I'd do Niall.'”

“I would.”

“Right,” Niall says, sitting up. “And now everyone knows and we said we were going to keep it a secret. We finally got it figured out, Harry. I don't want to fuck it up.”

“We?” Harry asks, opening one eye.

Niall rolls his eyes. “I finally got it figured out. And we agreed to keep it a secret for a reason. I just want it to be about us and I don't want it to be about the fans and the media. I don't want us to be the new-”

“All right, all right,” Harry cuts him off, sitting up. “You were doing so well about being rational about this.” He smirks, wiggling his eyebrows.

“It's not irrational,” Niall says, his own eyebrows still knitted in frustration. “Everyone important to us already knows. My mum cooked us supper after the livestream.”

Harry blushes just a little bit. “Yeah she did.”

Niall nods his head and gulps. He knows Harry doesn't care about the whole world finding out. And he knows he probably shouldn't either, but he does a little bit. He's only just come to accept this himself. It's still new and as far as Niall's concerned, it's still fragile. It shouldn’t be, because they were such close friends already, but that's how it is.

Besides, as much as Niall likes to think of himself as chilled out, he's a worrier. 

Niall leans in and touches Harry's hand. “I just want this to be about us for a little longer.”

Harry nods. “All right,” he says, reaching up and rubbing Niall's bare shoulder. “We'll be more discreet about it.”

Niall breathes a sigh of relief. He doesn't know what he was so stressed about – it's not Harry that's the problem. It's the fans – and it's not even really the fans. It's the media and the speculation and the coverage and the end of their last shred of privacy.

“Thank you,” he says, kissing Harry softly on the mouth before he topples down onto him.

* * *

The next few days aren't terrible. It's not until they're onstage for their Today Show performance at Universal Studios that things get difficult.

They're standing there and there are girls screaming their faces off in the audience. Niall grins as he clutches his guitar.

Matt Lauer looks at them as he gears up to ask them another question. “So boys, your album's called Four and it's out today.”

More screams. Niall laughs.

“Can you tell us what your favourite track is?” he holds the microphone up to Niall. Niall's ready answered this question dozens of times, but he doesn't care.

“Where Do Broken Hearts Go,” he answers, grinning. “It's sick.”

Just like he always does, Harry looks genuinely touched when Niall says this. He places his hand on Niall's shoulder and squeezes it.

Niall tenses up. They're supposed to be less touchy! This isn't less touchy and yeah, it's not a hug but it's still bad and it's still going to be screencapped. Niall steps away from him and then looks back with a brief look of apology.

Harry doesn't acknowledge him. He just smiles and answers Matt's question because he's a much better actor than Niall is.

Or he's not bothered. Niall has no idea, but his mind is on overdrive worrying about it. So much so that he misses their cue to move back into position to perform another song and has to rush over to his mic stand.

Ugh.

* * *

“Sorry,” Harry says later, when they're in the car back to the hotel.

Niall shrugs. “Don't worry about it,” he says, even though he's not taking his own advice.

“Hey,” Harry says with a smirk, sliding over to Niall and wrapping his arms around him. “This car has tinted windows.”

Niall blushes as Harry kisses him on the cheek. He leans his head back to meet Harry's lips with his own, but they're interrupted by a newspaper being thrown at them.

Niall glares at Louis, who's sitting across from them wearing a smirk on his face. “It slipped.” He shrugs his shoulders.

Niall giggles and Harry dramatically throws himself on top of him. 

* * *

Harry shifts in his seat on their flight from Florida to California. He tends to fall asleep on flights, and this isn't exactly a short one. 

He leans his head on Niall's shoulder and Niall shifts his glance from his phone to his boyfriend. Then he glances up at the flight attendants.

They're not paying attention to him but that doesn't matter. They've discreetly taken pictures of them and posted them online before. He looks back down at Harry – this position is fit for Instagram for sure.

“Liam,” Niall whispers while leans over to Liam's seat across the aisle. 

Liam either doesn't hear him or ignores him.

“Liam,” Niall whispers a bit louder, sticking his arm out to try and get his friend's attention.

Liam finally looks over at him. “What?”

Niall nods his head over to Harry's, which is still resting on his shoulder. “Switch places with me.”

Liam leans over and peers at Harry. He frowns. “You know Harry's asleep on you, right?”

Niall rolls his eyes. Obviously he knows. “Yeah. That's why I need you to switch.”

Liam furrows his eyebrows. “Why?”

“Because,” Niall says, growing frustrated but keeping his voice low. “I don't want everyone to see.”

“So it's better if they see him sleeping on me?”

“Yeah!”

Liam sighs, but he stands up from his seat. 

Niall grins, looking back down at Harry. He's still sound asleep. “Um,” he says to himself, not quite sure how they're going to accomplish this without waking him up. Luckily they're flying in first class so they've got a bit of room.

Niall places his hand under Harry's chin as gets out of his seat. His legs are still bent but there's enough room for Liam to slip in behind him. 

Harry mutters something, but he doesn't wake up.

“There,” Niall says quietly, as he gently moves Harry over to Liam's shoulder. “Perfect.”

“You're an idiot,” Liam whispers. 

“You're the one who said we were being too obvious,” Niall whispers back, sitting down in Liam's seat. He glances over at Zayn and picks up Liam's half finished rum and coke.

“Cheers, mate,” Niall laughs. Zayn gives him a strange look, but clinks his glass against Niall's all the same.

* * *

“AHHH!” 

Niall's dozing off (with his head against the back of his seat and _not_ Zayn's shoulder), but he's quickly pulled out of it with Liam's shouting.

Niall blinks a couple times before looking over at him. Liam is wiping his face in horror and Harry's just sitting there looking confused.

Then Louis's head pops up from his seat in front of Liam's. “ _What_ is going on?” Then he frowns. “Wasn't Niall sitting there before?”

“He was,” Harry says, leaning over and looking at Niall.

“He kissed me!” Liam says with disgust, wiping his mouth again. “He said, 'good morning' – it's not even morning, by the way. And then he just kissed me before I could do anything about it.”

Niall can't help but laugh a little bit. Good thing he decided to move – because that definitely would have been something that they couldn't do in public.

Zayn's also snickering quietly in the corner.

Louis just rolls his eyes before slinking back down to his seat. “When I get off the plane I'm telling everyone I'm not associated with you lot.”

Niall glances back over at Liam and Harry. Neither of them look overly impressed. So he stops laughing and turns his attention back to his phone. After all, it's not like this is his fault.

* * *

“Hey,” Harry says, rushing over to Niall as they walk through the security tunnel in the airport.

Niall nods to him and keeps walking. 

“Why'd you move?”

Niall sighs. Why'd he move? Because Harry was all over him and he didn't want that to be all over twitter. He couldn't blame Harry, he couldn't control what happened when he was sleeping. But still...

“Just didn't want the flight attendants to take any picture of us,” he says, shrugging his shoulders and trying his best to act nonchalant. “You know they've done that before.”

Harry raises his eyebrows, but he doesn't push further. “Okay.”

They keep walking, but the pit of Niall's stomach twists in an uncomfortable way.

* * *

Niall picks at the catering backstage at The Ellen Show. Promo is starting to bore him. It's supposed to be fun, but their schedule is gruelling and a lot more tight than when they're on tour.

He glances around. The crew and the rest of the boys are scattered around, but his gaze lands on Harry. His boyfriend is just sitting there, staring at his phone.

Niall swallows a little bit. He could go over there – it's probably fine. Everyone in their camp knows about their relationship anyway. There's no reason for him to feel awkward. He just feels sort of bad about what happened on the plane.

He shoves his hands into his pockets and walks over to Harry.

“Hey,” he says, nudging Harry a little bit with his knee.

Harry looks up at him and a soft smile washes over his face. “Hey.”

Niall's chest feels far less compressed after that. “What'cha looking at?”

Harry shrugs. “Nothing. Come here.” He tugs at the edge of Niall's t-shirt and pulls him down into his lap. “This is alright, yeah?”

Niall nods and he leans back to kiss Harry. Yeah, this is totally fine. It's sort of an awkward angle given they're sitting in a chair made for one person. He leans against the back of the chair as he lets his hands get lost in Harry's curls. The taste of his lips is sweet, and for a few seconds Niall forgets that they're actually backstage.

Until Louis reminds him.

“Oi, lovebirds,” he shouts, and Niall pulls away from Harry. “We're on in three minutes. Kindly pull it together until you plan for this to be your coming out.”

Harry places his hand on the back of Niall's head and pulls him closer for a moment. “Suppose it's time for us to go play pretend.” He brushes his nose against Niall's.

Just like that, the weight is pressing against Niall's chest again.

* * *

The Ellen Show is supposed to be light and funny. Not a ball of stress.

Hell, _Niall_ is supposed to be light and funny, not a ball of stress.

But he is – sitting on the couch uncomfortably and twisting up his fingers while he listens to Ellen joke around and talk with the others. Mostly Liam and Harry, really.

Niall sitting on the edge of the couch beside Harry, but he's snuggled up with the plush arm far more than the tattooed one. He thumbs the silky material of it. Maybe he'll get one of these for his flat, it's nice.

“Niall?”

Oh, crap. He's being asked something directly.

“Yeh?” he asks, plastering his signature cheeky smile on his face. The one that Harry refers to as “chrub-like.”

Not that he's paying attention to Harry, or anything. And Harry's certainly not looking at him.

“What's your favourite song on the album?”

Oh, Christ. Isn't there any other question that these people can ask him? Maybe about the writing process on one of the other songs? 

“Erm,” Niall stalls. He can feel Harry's eyes on him now. He can't give his standard answer of Where Do Broken Hearts Go. Because then Harry will hug him or look at him and then Niall will have to hug him or he won't hug him and then he'll feel bad about it.

They're all looking at him. The audience is silent waiting for his answer. Ellen's leaned in and watching him, waiting for him to spit out whatever song title that she probably knows nothing about. 

“18,” Niall finally says, settling on anything that doesn't have Harry's name on it.

He glances over at Harry quickly. His head his down, and there might be a pout on his face but Niall forces himself to not look at him. To not think about it.

“Really?” Ellen asks him, obviously prodding for more information.

“Yeh,” Niall says, leaning back in his seat and rubbing his bad knee. “Our good friend Ed Sheeran wrote it for us and everything he does is just amazing. We're very lucky.”

“Alright, alright,” Ellen says, nodding and moving onto one of the other boys.

Niall slinks back over to the edge of the couch, but it doesn't matter. Harry's not trying to cozy up to him anyway.

* * * 

Niall moans as he writhes underneath Harry. His erection strains against his jeans and his bare chest is already sticky with sweat. 

Harry sighs, kissing the edge of Niall's mouth and moving down to plant more kisses on the top of his shoulder. “Niall,” he says softly.

Niall only moans in response. His head is spinning. How had he gone three years in this group without doing this with Harry every night?

“Is 18 really your favourite song on the album?” he whispers, his voice low and raspy.

Niall's eyes shoot open. “What?”

Harry sighs and sits up, pulling away from Niall. “You changed your answer.”

“I lied,” Niall says, sitting up as well and pressing his chest against Harry's. Why's Harry on about this right _now_?

“Why?” Harry asks, and he looks hurt. His eyes are angled with concern and his mouth his turned down with sadness. The only other time Niall can remember him looking like this is when he rejected Harry after their album release in New York in 2013.

That was shit. And now Niall feels like shit all over again.

“Because,” he says, even though he knows his excuse is going to be weak. “I didn't want us to be too obvious.”

Harry's face scrunches up, and Niall knows that means he's biting the inside of his cheek. He's thinking. Why's he thinking? What's so hard to understand about that?

“Hey,” Niall says, before Harry has a chance to protest. “You know I love that song.” He rubs his nose against Harry's and brushes their lips together. “ _It took me some time but I figured out, how to fix up a heart that I let down,_ ” he sings dramatically, pressing his mouth against Harry's when he's done.

Harry smiles into their kiss, toppling back down onto the bed.

* * *

“ _Moving too fast, moon is lighting up her skin,_ ” Niall sings, looking out at the crowd a few nights later. Performing on awards shows is always stressful, and the American Music Awards is no exception.

His voice is shaking and he was off, he knows it. Normally he'd look over at Harry for reassurance, but instead he just keeps his head down.

Award shows are rubbish.

He glances over at Louis, taking a deep breath as he gets ready for his solo.

“ _She's fallin, doesn't even know it yet._ ” His voice cracks, ugh. “ _Having no regrets is all that she really wants..._ ” better, but still off.

They launch into it, and Niall keeps a smile plastered on his face even though his heart is pounding. Surely his solo wasn't that bad. 

Now he's just mouthing along the words with the others. And he can't help but glance over at Harry.

“ _We're only getting older baby, and I've been thinking about it lately..._ ” Harry leans in and smiles at Niall before they launch into the end of the bridge.

Niall has to look away because he can't let the cameras catch him looking at Harry like that. But he's so wrapped up in his thoughts that he sounds awful, and again he just ends up mouthing along with the others.

“One Direction!” the announcer says, his voice booming through the theatre. There are screams from the lucky fans that managed to get inside.

Niall glances over at the other boys as they wave and walk off the stage. Harry doesn't even look at him – he just shoves his hands in his pockets.

“Good performance,” Liam says once they're back in their dressing room, getting changed from their stage clothes.

Niall shrugs. “It was shit, I think. Was off.”

“You sounded lovely,” Harry says to him, kissing his forehead.

Niall smiles at the compliment, but his heart isn't in it. It's just back to pounding. Surely they can't do this here! Even though they're backstage it's still very public.

So he just pulls his shirt off and quickly pulls his other one over his head. There's not a lot of time for affection anyway – the boys are whisked over to their seats in time for more awards to be handed out.

Niall just sits down and folds his arms over his chest. Harry sits down beside him, but Niall keeps his gaze firmly fixed on the stage. None of this messing about like they used to do at award shows.

It's a lot of the same. Award shows used to be exciting, and to an extent they still are but the sitting around knowing the camera is on them the entire time is stressful. It's not like when they're doing one of their own shows – this is footage that everyone in America will see and if there's one misstep it'll be all over Perez Hilton the next day.

They listen to what Niall estimates is dozens of awards. They clap politely for all of them of course. And now Niall's on the edge of his seat as they listen to the nominees for Favourite Pop/Rock Album.

“And the award goes to...”

Niall is quite literally biting his fingernails. His heart is pounding. They worked so, so hard on Midnight Memories, and yeah, they're all about the Four promo right now but they're still proud of the album that came before it.

“One Direction for Midnight Memories!”

Niall jumps up in his seat, throwing his arms up in the air in triumph. It's still so hard to believe that they're able to win awards up against all of these other artists who have been around a lot longer than they have.

Before he knows it, Harry's throwing his arms around Niall. Niall hugs him back for a brief moment before he remembers that this is exactly the opposite of what they're supposed to be doing.

Without thinking, he pushes Harry off of him and runs to the front of the group to claim their award. The announcer is going on about how they took home an AMA the year before for Take Me Home but Niall's not listening to any of that. His head is racing, screaming at him about the award and about his boyfriend.

They get to the podium and Niall steps up to the mic. He's not usually the first one to talk but he can't just stand back there with Harry. He can't even look at him. 

“We uh, thank you,” Niall sputters out, looking down at the award in his hands.

Liam pats him on the back and takes over, as he often does at times like these. Thank god for him. 

He drones on about what an honour this is and how they truly have the fans to thank, as well as all the great producers they worked with. Nothing Niall disagrees with, but nothing he's really listening to either.

He stands with his hands behind his back as he moved to take his place beside Zayn. Harry is on the other end of their group, standing beside Louis.

Niall just looks out into the crowd. They'll never figure it out. Not if he keeps his distance. And not if Harry starts fucking keeping his hands to himself.

* * *

Niall doesn't bother going to the afterparty. He's too tired and too burnt out from promo. Plus they have a flight to Australia the next day and he just wants to catch up on sleep.

Easier said than done. His mind is still stuck on Harry, and how Harry tried to hug him even though he told him not to.

Of course now he just wants his arms wrapped around him. So Niall sighs, wrapping his comforter around himself and leaving to find Harry's room.

He putters down the hall until he gets to it. He knocks on the door, but it's dull because he doesn't pull his hand out from under the duvet.

No answer.

Niall rolls his eyes. Why's Harry got his own room anyway? They really need to tell their management to just get them one to share. Although maybe that would also be something that gets out and causes speculation. Ninall ponders it as he knocks again.

Still no answer.

Niall rolls his eyes. There's no way Harry's gone to the afterparty. He doesn't usually. Just as he's about to knock again, the door opens a crack.

“Hey,” Niall says, trying to step inside. But Harry doesn't let him in.

“What?” Harry yawns.

“Was comin' to sleep with you,” Niall shrugs. Shouldn't it be obvious? He's still sort of angry but it starts to melt away as he looks at Harry's sleepy face and dark room. Cuddling up with him is all he can think about.

Harry raises his eyebrow. “Don't think so,” he says, his voice still thick with sleep and maybe a hint of annoyance. “Don't really feel like it.”

Niall gives him a look. “Come on, I always sleep better when I'm next to you.”

But Harry just shakes his head. “Go back to your own room, Niall.” Then he shuts the door, just like that. Not a kiss, not a smile. Not even calling him “love.”

Niall just stares at the door, dumbfounded, with his comforter still draped over his head.

That is, until he hears Louis and Zayn walking down the hall.

“Oh man,” Louis laughs loudly, probably waking up the whole floor. “Did you see the look on Taylor's face? Right bitch that one is, hah... Niall?”

Niall turns to look at him. He really doesn't want to deal with drunk Louis and Zayn right now. He doesn't usually find them annoying, but he's already tired and in a shit mood. 

“What?” he asks flatly. 

“What're you doing in the hall?” Louis asks, his voice light. Zayn chokes back a laugh.

“Nothing,” Niall says, rolling his eyes and turning around to go back to his room. But Louis's hand on his shoulder stops him.

“Did something happen with Harry?”

Niall swallows at the sound of Harry's name. He won't let himself cry. He won't, he won't, he won't. Especially not in the presence of drunk Louis and drunk Zayn. Where the hell is Liam? He's a lot better at this stuff.

“No,” Niall finally says, but it's unconvincing and he knows it.

“Come on,” Louis says, slinging his arm around Niall's duvet covered shoulders. “Let's get you back to my room and have a drink, yeah?”

“I don't want a drink.”

“Jesus, you must be really upset,” he laughs, not pulling away from him. “You really need a drink then.” He pulls out his room key and clicks the door open, pulling Niall inside. Zayn isn't far behind. 

“There's a good lad,” Louis grins, shoving Niall down onto his messy bed. “What'll you have, then? The mini bar has...hmmm... well, there's vodka left. Bit of vodka and coke?”

“That sounds awful.”

“Right well it's all I've got,” Louis snaps at him, mixing the drink all the while. “So drink up and tell me why the hell you're standing looking like a miserable puppy in the hall.” He hands the drink to Niall.

Niall sighs and takes it, letting the duvet fall off of him. He shivers as the cool air touches his bare skin. “Harry didn't want to sleep with me.”

Louis and Zayn exchange a glance that Niall can't read.

“What?” Niall asks. He doesn't even know why he's here, so he just takes a sip of his awful vodka and coke concoction and waits.

“Sorry,” Louis giggles after a moment. “It's just that I never thought I'd see the day.”

Niall rolls his eyes. He doesn't know why he thought in the slightest that Louis would be helpful.

“Maybe it's that you don't want to sleep with him,” Zayn says, his voice slow and his eyes wide. As wide as they can be, anyway. Niall estimates that he and Louis have smoked at least three joints over the course of the evening.

“That's deep,” Louis says, looking over at Zayn and nodding his head. “Deep.” He looks back at Niall.

Again, Niall rolls his eyes. These two are absolutely no help. “Except that I do. I literally just came form his room. Why do you think I'm covered in a blanket?”

“No.” Zayn shakes his head and gives Louis a look. “I meant that literally. You keep pushing him away all the time and don't act like you want to be around him at all.”

“Not so deep then,” Louis mutters.

But Niall ignores him and chooses to focus on Zayn. He's actually giving some good advice – which he should have expected. Zayn's good at stuff like that. It's Louis the instigator who isn't.

“Well what am I supposed to do?” he asks, his voice getting desperate. “I don't want everyone to find out and I told him to be less obvious in public.”

Zayn shrugs. Louis snorts but Niall just ignores him again.

“I dunno, mate.”

“Thanks, really helpful,” Niall scoffs. 

“The more you act weird about it, the more the fans will think something's up,” Louis jumps in, nodding his head and widening his eyes.

Niall rolls his eyes. That's not true at all because the fans think something's up because of his _not_ acting weird and his acting totally lovesick with Harry. Which is normal.

At least it was before all of this mess.

“It's true, Niall,” Louis continues, sounding uncharacteristically serious. “That's why they think something's up with me and Harry all the time. Because I cuss them out.”

Niall glares at Louis. The last thing he wants to hear about is _that_.

“Sorry.” He shrugs, fixing himself his own vodka and coke. “But it's the truth. Just act normal.” He nods his head like he's got it all figured out. Then he takes a sip of his drink and makes a face. “Man, that really is shit isn't it?”

“Yeah,” Niall sighs, but takes another sip anyway. It's helping at least a little bit to dull the pain of Harry shutting the door in his face. “I don't want to act normal – the whole reason I want him to tone it down is so the fans don't figure it out. I like how things are now – I don't want to fuck it up.”

“Kinda already fucked up, isn't it?” Zayn asks.

“No, it's fine,” Niall insists.

“Harry slammed the door in your pretty little face, love,” Louis laughs, returning back to his regular self. 

“He didn't slam it.”

“Well he didn't slam you,” Louis laughs again. 

“Weak,” Zayn adds, and Louis shrugs.

“The point is, you can't help what the fans do or think. Harry and I most certainly aren't in a relationship, but that doesn't stop them from thinking it. So you can either let what they say cause problems between you and Harry or you can be a man about it and actually be with him.”

“I am with him,” Niall says, his mouth suddenly very dry and his voice hoarse.

“You're not right now. And you won't be if you keep pushing him away. Especially after you told him you figured your shit out and that you weren't going to be an indecisive arse any longer.”

“He told you I said that?” Niall asks, feeling slightly annoyed that Harry would discuss the deepest conversation he's possibly ever had with _Louis_.

Then again, he's here doing pretty much the same thing so he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on.

“Of course he did you idiot, it was the best thing that ever happened to him. So stop going back on your word. You don't have to make a big announcement of it, but you can stop acting like such a prick.”

Niall finishes his vodka and coke, and the last sip goes down a lot easier than the rest of it had.

* * *

Niall sits down in his seat next to Harry as they board their flight to Australia. 

Harry just gives him a look. “Aren't you afraid someone will see us?” he asks without even looking up from his phone.

“No,” Niall replies, his chest tightening. Harry usually forgives him pretty easily and isn't one to hold a grudge. Maybe Louis is actually right – maybe it's worse this time since he already told Harry he was done messing around.

And then he went and screwed it all up.

“I love you,” Niall tries. 

“Love you too,” Harry mutters. He still sounds annoyed and he's still more interested in his phone.

Niall sighs and slinks down into his seat. It's going to be a long flight.

* * *

Their performance at the ARIA awards isn't one of their best ever.

Vocally it's probably fine, but that's not what Niall's focusing on. He keeps glancing over at Harry and feeling pangs of guilt in his chest.

When they received their inflight meal, Harry didn't share his potatoes with him like he usually did.

When they checked into the hotel, Harry went off into his own room without even asking Niall whose room they were going to be bunking in.

When they woke up the next morning, Harry didn't brew him a red berry tea with two sugars.

“ _But I know, I know, I know for sure,_ ” Niall sings, but his hearts not in it and it's flat.

Louis is right. He hates that and he'll be sure to never say those words out loud, but it's true. Louis is fucking right. Niall grips his microphone tight as they go into the chorus, but like their performance at the American Music Awards he's completely on autopilot.

Which is another sign that something is wrong. Performing is supposed to be his passion and the thing he loves most in the world. 

Instead, he's spending the entire time on stage with his mind wandering about Harry.

“ _She knows, she knows, she knows that I never let her down before,_ ” Harry sings, and Niall's heart pounds again. He's almost sick with guilt at this point and he can't wait to get off of the stage.

Harry would never let him down. And Harry would never act like a prick and pretend their relationship didn't exist. And Harry would never push him away just because he was afraid someone would see.

And now he's comparing the lyrics of their song to his screwed up love life. Great.

He's got to find a way to fix this. 

* * *

Niall's sitting in the audience with his arms folded over his chest. He's not even paying attention. He just claps when everyone else does. Other than that – he's trying to work out how to fix this mess he's got himself into with Harry.

Which is fucked up, because he thought he fixed everything with his big love confession months ago. So how has he found himself here again?

Oh right, because he wasn't as comfortable as he thought.

He doesn't even know where to start or what to do to show Harry that he's sorry and that he really doesn't care what anyone thinks. That he actually likes how affectionate Harry is and wishes they could go back to that. Because Harry doesn't care if the fans find out.

 _Obviously._ What with Harry's declaration in front of everyone that he'd do him. And his questions about who the last person he had sex with was.

Harry doesn't care. He'd shout it from the rooftops if he could. Niall's always been the one holding him back.

“And the award for best International Artist goes to... One Direction!!”

All of the lads jump up from their seats and cheer. The audience claps, of course, and some girls scream for them. Liam pulls Niall in for a hug and Niall grins, feeling a huge sense of pride.

But it's not Liam he wants to be sharing this moment with. Well, it is, but not like that. Not in the way he wants to share it with Harry. 

The cameras are focused on them but Niall doesn't care. He's on autopilot again – pulling Harry towards him and kissing him square on the mouth.

For the first time since they've been in Australia, Harry's responsive to him. He kisses Niall back and even pulls him in closer for a moment before they have to pull away. Because there's the small matter of the award they've got to accept.

“You know,” Harry says, looking down at Niall with those serious green eyes of his.

“I know.” Niall nods his head as the rest of the lads start to walk up to the stage. “I don't care.”

Harry just grins and takes Niall's hand, pulling him along with the others.

Everyone's watching them – but everyone would be watching them anyway. And everyone's cheering, but everyone would be cheering anyway. And the fans at home are probably posting about them online and taking screencaps – but they'd be doing that anyway too.

When they get up on stage, Niall and Harry's hands are still laced together. They stand behind the podium with the others as Liam starts to talk. 

“Thank you,” he says, professional as always and not even commenting on what happened.

“Thank you,” Harry leans over and whispers into Niall's ear.

Niall grins and squeezes Harry's hand tightly. Fans and media be damned – this is the best he's felt all month. Or maybe all year.

He glances up at Harry, who's smiling wide.

Niall keeps grinning and Liam keeps talking and Harry keeps holding his hand. Who's he kidding? This is the best he's ever felt.


End file.
